About once a month I have a "bad day". A day when I just don't think I can stand the wait much longer. A day when I think I am only kidding myself that we will actually ever become parents. A day when everything I think, see, and hear reminds me of the ache in my heart for my baby. Today is that day.
I think I know what triggered it. I went to do my grocery shopping and stopped to look at the Christmas cards thinking I needed to get on the ball and start working on them. Looking at the cards all I could think of was this time last year. Last year I sent my first ever Christmas letter, it was a letter informing all our friends and family about our impending adoption and requesting quilt squares. I remember that I bought the perfect paper, spent several hours working on the letter so that it sounded just right, test printed in several different ink colors to see what matched best and then signed each one. I was on cloud nine. Anticipating what a huge celebration we would have this year: Avery's first Christmas home. Of course now we know she won't be home this year.
There I was today standing in the aisle of Wal-Mart when all these memories came flooding back. I am not a crier by any means but I could feel my eyes well up with tears. I went about my shopping trying to keep my mind focused on the task at hand but I kept coming back to those freakin' cards. So today I bought this years cards, and a pack of paper so that I could compose a new letter; a letter giving an update to process.
Some days it feels that this is all a big joke, a pipe dream, a pot of gold that we will never reach. My brain tells me that this feeling is normal that I have concrete facts that this will work out, that I can see the progress the CCAA has made and know that we are moving ahead. But my heart tells me something different.
Ironically enough as I went to the computer to post this entry I decided to check my friends blogs first. Kelley had posted a slideshow of some digital scrapbook pages she had just completed of her girls. For the first time today I had hope and peace that everything would work out. Looking at Emily and Mia and those pictures showed me that there is that pot of gold at the end and someday we will reach it. We will hold Avery in our arms. Thank you Kelley....I know when you posted that you had no idea how it would help me today!!
So please friends, don't worry about me. As they say "this too shall pass". It's just that today my heart aches.............
3 comments:
I hope you are happy you have me crying. Not because I recognize myself so well in your description of how you feel and the toll this process takes on us. It is draining, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. I am more upset that you are upset. My sweet friend who lights up a room with her fun loving energy and zest for life, I hate that you feel this way...ever. You are not alone in your thoughts and I am here for you if you want to moan or laugh. Everyday that passes is a day we are closer to our goal. Even the bad days count. Buck up we are moving forward together and I am so glad to be going down that road with you.
Hugs, V
Now my eyes are filled with tears. My heart aches too for you and all my friends who are waiting. My friends who listened to my story when the referral wait was 7 months. Going through this with you all makes my heart ache too. Not for the same reasons that your heart's ache, but because I love you all so dearly and I hate to see you have to have heart ache. Remember that this moment of heart ache will pass and the next moment will come and finally that moment will be Avery in your arms.
Love you,
K.
Oh my friend. I'm so sorry you are sad. I hope that it has passed by now. It does happen - Mollianne, Emily and Mia are living proof of that. And believe me, I have felt exactly like you have - both with Mollianne and Meisey. I love you and pray that your wait isn't much longer. We need to get Miss Avery home to her Mommy and Daddy! Just read that passage I gave to you and remember that this wait will make our babies so much more precious (if that is possible). You are never alone in this and I hope you that you will never forget that. Love you!
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