So here’s the scoop: If you visit my blog to see adorable pictures of my daughter skip this post. I am about to get all emotional with you. My thoughts are all over the place today so just bare with me and hopefully a little of this will make sense.
Over 2 years ago when I started this blog I made a promise to myself that it would be a “real” account of my life and our wait for Avery. In that time it has turned into a journal for me not only the story of our adoption but really the story of our life and now our journey of parenthood. Looking back at old posts I can reflect on happy times we had, sad times, times of frustration and practically every emotion on the spectrum. It amazes me how many little things that have happened in our lives in the last 2 years that I totally forgot about until I saw them here. I always wanted a blog that people would enjoy reading but at the same time did not want to sugarcoat or make light of hard times that we may face.
The past month or so I have not really been true to my original plan. Sure I have posted multiple fun and cute pictures of Avery, but most of posts have been “fluff”. The truth is that I have really been struggling these past few weeks. I have been having a hard time redefining myself as a mother while still trying to be a good wife, employee, etc. I never dreamed how much my life and everything I knew would change once my dream of becoming a mother finally came true.
I have always been a person that sees the cup as “half full” and try to have a positive attitude. Yes, I am one those obnoxious people who believe that keeping a positive outlook on life makes it a whole lot easier!! This too has been a struggle lately.
Please don’t get me wrong I love my daughter!! She truly is a dream come true!! With that being said, PARENTHOOD IS HARD!! I will be the first to admit I am a little set in my ways and sometimes a little stubborn too. Well, all that really went out the window the day I became a mother and it has been difficult for me to let go of some of that structure and routine.
I think I was stuck in the “waiting” mode so long that I never really imagined this dream would ever come to fruition. Throughout the struggles with infertility..to the decision not quit trying..to the decision to adopt; it seems that we always had obstacles and when the wait for Avery lengthened it was almost “expected” that something would go wrong and we would never be blessed with a child. What I did not prepare myself for was the actuality that someday I would become a mother. There would be a little person that depended on me for everything, that needed me, that cried for me, that expected me to meet her needs when she could not even communicate them. That my friends was a major wake-up call!!
My personality is to give 110% and if I don’t think I will be good at something I usually don’t even attempt because after all who likes to fail? This is where my struggle of late comes in. I don’t think I am good at this motherhood thing. Yes Avery seems happy, yes she is developing and progressing at a very rapid pace, yes she appears very attached to both me and Paul. So from the outside looking in it looks like we have it all together. It’s the inside (of me at least) that is crumbling. I am just totally overwhelmed and instead of facing my fears head on and just pushing through I am keeping it all in (until now at least!) and being miserable inside. I have had several crying episodes recently which is very unlike me.
Then comes the guilt. Oh my goodness: the guilt!! We prayed for this child, we cried for her, our hearts yearned for her. We had so many people support us on this journey that it was unreal. And that is why “fessing up” about these feelings has been so hard for me. How can I ask for your prayers and support for over 2 years and then when the dreams is finally realized admit that I am struggling in this new role?
I am sure I am not alone in all these thoughts and feelings (at least I hope I am not!). I was even talking to a co-worker last night about all my insecurities and as a mother of 3 almost grown kids she admitted that even when #3 came along she still felt inadequate at times. Let me tell you that made me feel a whole lot better!!
I guess all this rambling to say that I am in a very weird and unfamiliar place right now but things are starting to look up. Actually talking about my insecurities instead of keeping them all in and having other mom’s admit that they feel or have felt the same way is bringing me comfort and boosting my confidence a little at a time.
Let me end this by saying I love my daughter!!! I would do the wait all over again in a heartbeat to be blessed with Avery. God’s handiwork is truly evident in placing her with us because she is so “our daughter”. I am just a typical (?) new mom trying to define and adjust to this new life.
So that’s where I am right now…….what’s going on under the surface.
Okay going to hit "publish post" now before I chicken out!!